i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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