and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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