So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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