I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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