Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
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I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.