I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
