just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex