I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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