Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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