i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
