True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
These tits shall not be calmed
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
