i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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