Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
