Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
