Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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