Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
