i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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