How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
