Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
