if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
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