dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
