I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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