K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
