The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
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Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
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Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
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