Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
