Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
