Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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