Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.