Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I will pee on everything he values.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form