I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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