Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
