we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
