You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Actions speak louder than pants.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
