I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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