my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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