ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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