It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
