I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Everclear isn't food dammit
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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