Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
