just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Randomize
