my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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