I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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