i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
