Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
