The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
