I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
