oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
