so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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