so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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