dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just high enough for therapy.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
