Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
