you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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