Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
