We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
