Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
