woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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