AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
