you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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