Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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