Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
