If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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